It was a rough night and day today. We woke Evie up every 3 hours during the night to give her medicine and breastfeed her. She did OK nursing overnight and early this morning, but she’s congested which is making it difficult for her to breathe through her nose…making it all that much more difficult to nurse, resulting in her getting worked up and frustrated. Later in the morning and early afternoon, things got worse. She started refusing to nurse, so I pumped and Sean was able to feed her via syringe. Then in the evening, she refused to eat at all. After a couple of hours, she finally drank about an ounce of milk via bottle, and about an hour ago, I was able to get her to nurse and she probably drank another ounce (i.e. barely anything…but just enough to keep her hydrated). We’ve been on the phone with Kaiser asking them what to do, and they gave us some tips on feeding with a syringe, and said we need to monitor her diapers tonight to make sure she’s peeing (i.e. not dehydrated). If she keeps this up and does become dehydrated, we’ll be heading back to the hospital. In the meantime, I’m pumping every few hours to make sure I’m keeping up my supply. On top of it all, our heater stopped working again this morning, so Sean had to spend time fixing it.
Sean and I are feeling exhausted and drained…physically, mentally, emotionally. I knew this was going to be really hard, but I wasn’t expecting to be so emotional about it all. It’s just really difficult as a mom to see my daughter so miserable and struggling so hard to eat (and she can’t talk to me to tell me what’s going on). Compared to yesterday, she’s in a lot more pain, and keeps whimpering in her sleep…it’s really sad. She really hates her arm restraints (“no no’s”), and becomes frustrated with them too. And as strange as this sounds, I’m really mourning the loss of her cleft, and I’m having a hard time with the fact that she’s practically unrecognizable because her entire face is so swollen… she just doesn’t look like my baby girl 🙁
I know God is in control and everything is going to be just fine, but right now it sucks and it’s really overwhelming…and I think it’s ok to feel that way and acknowledge that. I know people experience much worse things in life, but in this moment, I am sad for sweet little 3-month-old Evie Love, and it’s been an upsetting and stressful day with her refusing to eat. These are my raw and honest emotions. I’m also sleep deprived, which always makes everything seem much more formidable.
And on that note…I am going to bed. I am so thankful for all the support and especially the prayers, keep them coming! Pray that she would start nursing better throughout the night tonight, and tomorrow (and if not, that she would at least take some milk via syringe/bottle). And a special thank you to Robyn Schlichter, who allowed me to have a pitiful meltdown in her arms earlier today 🙂
Since they say a picture is worth a thousand words, here’s some photos that pretty much sum up our day: